DEAR FRESHMAN YEAR

Friday, June 8, 2018

dear freshman year:


you were a beauty, weren’t you? not simply in the ways you gave me the time to explore life on my own terms, but in the way you taught me, quietly, the most impactful lesson i learned this year: gratefulness for everything given to me that i do not deserve.
fall quarter was marked by a kind of unabashed lack of self-consciousness. when you watch my first couple of freshman-year vlogs, you might cringe at them; you might laugh at them; and i knew, at some point, that i might look back on them and see them in a half-condescending, half-nostalgic sort of way, but the fun thing was that even though i knew this in the back of my head, i didn’t care. i knew i’d eventually become more jaded, but it didn't matter to me. i wanted to take the door by the knob and swing it wide open, so i did, and i don’t regret it.


winter quarter was hard in its changes, but even though the novelty of college had begun to wear off, it was then that i learned how to let things go and how to move with the flow of life; how not to fight against what was inevitable, but how to embrace what was to come. i also learned how to accept the repercussions of my mistakes, and to try to actively seek to fight against the potential traps that so many college students fall into. i wanted to learn how to avoid the pitfalls and potholes, and because of this, i tried to do as much as i could, to meet as many people as i could, to learn and grow from them, and even though i did learn a lot, this meant i took on a load that would eventually become more than i could bear.


spring quarter started out well, and ended the worst; i think that, at the heart of what i’m trying to figure out right now, lies the fact that, after a certain point, i lost sight of what i love to do and instead became consumed with the concern that i wasn’t doing enough. i panicked when i saw the white spaces in my google calendar; i tried to fill them up with things that i thought would be beneficial, but only turned out unnecessary commitments that i wasn’t able to fulfill. i loved to be busy, but on the worst, busiest days, when i was constantly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things i had to do, i thought to myself, is this all really worth it?


it’s easy to get lost here, to try to do too much, and even though i want to do as much as i can, i learned how easy it is for me to lose control in the sight of all the potential. what if i choose this route? or this one? or this one? the possibilities are endless, but, in the end, what i’ve realized, is that the choices are not my own. my life should not be in my own hands; i should not be playing God; i cannot play God; and, at the very end of it, i had to address the possibility that i was trying to be Him in that i was trying to determine the course of my whole life. and i cannot do that.


i’m ending this school year trying to move forward from this phase, trying not to embrace everything, but rather to focus on the things that God has called me to set my eyes on. and, this summer, my priorities will be Him, my family, my church, and, at the tail end of all of that, my writing and all the things i want to create, and learning how to glorify Him through all of it.


it’s been a heck of a nine months. here’s to all the years to come.


xoxo, rachel

on grease, and dual narratives

Tuesday, June 5, 2018


Transparency is something important, I think, and while nobody on the Internet could—or should—be completely transparent, I think it’s something we all need. A lil more transparency. Life’s too curated now; I kinda hate not knowing the actual truth about people. Are you actually doing well or is that healthy Bora-Bora glow just the C1 vsco filter? Even finstas are false narratives. 
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