listen to "first burn" while reading

Saturday, May 5, 2018


oh:

nothing like a nice sweeping wave of insecurity and frustration to knock you off your feet and slap you till you sense stuff you never realized you’d become desensitized to. 

I’ve come to anticipate the deluge beginning on Week Five. The first four weeks usually progress in a blur of productivity and a litany of promises that are destined to be broken. It’s about the midpoint that things dissolve, and after the midpoint, it’s all about putting one foot in front of the other. Step by step. Song by song. Word by word.

Sometimes eternity is too overwhelming to grasp. Sometimes, at home (home-home, not college-home), I go on walks and have to rein myself in from questions like: if this universe didn’t exist, what would? or, if God wasn’t God, who would be God and what would He be like? I can’t tell if it’s blasphemy or just my pure misunderstanding of what eternity means. Or like when I think about myself and how utterly insignificant I am in the face of everything, everything gets a little too breathtakingly hopeless. Like, sometimes I just lie in bed and wonder why I even try. Why do I try so hard? Why do I do so much? Why do I try to do anything, when there are millions of things that I cannot and never will accomplish? That, I think, is what Week Five must be: the sense that too little has been accomplished, and much more is yet to be done, and sometimes the much more seems, insurmountably, much, much more than seems possible. 

I guess that’s kind of what I’m processing right now.

Another thing I’m processing is the concept of time, past and present and future. The things that have happened over the past couple of years can never be undone; these things cannot change. Once something happens, its effects will be felt for moments, days, months, years to come. Things can change in a snap. One action can knock askew one day - two days - one week - fifty weeks - ten years. Sometimes things happen for what seems like actually no reason and there’s nothing I can do but adjust to it. 

There are times when things seem like too much, and so I purposely lose myself in the details, only to emerge from the threading more confused than I was before.

I feel this feeling a lot, have recognized its patterns and constant visits to my mind, and have concluded that it is achingly, painfully, and yet—in some small way—refreshingly inescapable. I can’t run from this feeling, can’t bury my mind in the woodwork, because my brain does not take kindly to cobwebs, nor to stray puzzle pieces. It cannot make sense of them, which makes me think that it was not made to make sense of them.

We all, as humans, have a yearning to see the Big Picture. But whether the Picture we see in our heads is synonymous with the one that exists in truth is the question we ask ourselves all our lives, even if we’ve been assured over and over that we’re right. Is the Big Picture we see the correct version by virtue of our own validation? Or is there genuinely only one Big Picture to be had, by virtue of the Painter, that we must seek and recognize and believe?

I speak in the abstract, because I’ve long since learned that dealing details is dangerous. But rest assured that, though my head and stomach churn, life is still good, and I am thankful—thankful for the memories, the time (past, present, and future), and the Big Picture that I know is true. I am but a small dot of paint—no more, no less.

I thank God for my limitations. I thank God for the way I get trapped in my own head, for the waves of insecurity, for all the ways I fail, because in these weaknesses, I pale against the contrast of Him, and show Him to be all the greater.

*this post was minimally edited. the author apologizes in advance for any misunderstanding or lack of coherence. she also hopes you enjoyed "first burn" as much as she does - she wrote this post to that song.


12 comments

  1. you were definitely meant to be a writer

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  2. also: first burn from hamilton? i thought you didn't like it

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    1. ok i love the song and i know the musical is fantastic but like im not obsessed with it u feel me

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  3. wow this is so deep yet so good <3 sometimes i lose myself in my mind too and it's crazy how confusing and mind stretching these things are.

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  4. Your posts never fail to make me think. You do a lot of thinking! I think sometimes we just have to be okay with what is and what is not.

    Simply Me

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  5. First how are you so deep? questions. Second FIRST BURN IS AMAZING OH MY GOSH

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    1. lol im not deep i just think a little too hard sometimes and YES I AGREE

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  6. oooof. I love this. Your words are so powerful, wow.

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