Friday, June 8, 2018

dear freshman year:

you were a beauty, weren’t you? not simply in the ways you gave me the time to explore life on my own terms, but in the way you taught me, quietly, the most impactful lesson i learned this year: gratefulness for everything given to me that i do not deserve.
fall quarter was marked by a kind of unabashed lack of self-consciousness. when you watch my first couple of freshman-year vlogs, you might cringe at them; you might laugh at them; and i knew, at some point, that i might look back on them and see them in a half-condescending, half-nostalgic sort of way, but the fun thing was that even though i knew this in the back of my head, i didn’t care. i knew i’d eventually become more jaded, but it didn't matter to me. i wanted to take the door by the knob and swing it wide open, so i did, and i don’t regret it.

winter quarter was hard in its changes, but even though the novelty of college had begun to wear off, it was then that i learned how to let things go and how to move with the flow of life; how not to fight against what was inevitable, but how to embrace what was to come. i also learned how to accept the repercussions of my mistakes, and to try to actively seek to fight against the potential traps that so many college students fall into. i wanted to learn how to avoid the pitfalls and potholes, and because of this, i tried to do as much as i could, to meet as many people as i could, to learn and grow from them, and even though i did learn a lot, this meant i took on a load that would eventually become more than i could bear.

spring quarter started out well, and ended the worst; i think that, at the heart of what i’m trying to figure out right now, lies the fact that, after a certain point, i lost sight of what i love to do and instead became consumed with the concern that i wasn’t doing enough. i panicked when i saw the white spaces in my google calendar; i tried to fill them up with things that i thought would be beneficial, but only turned out unnecessary commitments that i wasn’t able to fulfill. i loved to be busy, but on the worst, busiest days, when i was constantly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things i had to do, i thought to myself, is this all really worth it?

it’s easy to get lost here, to try to do too much, and even though i want to do as much as i can, i learned how easy it is for me to lose control in the sight of all the potential. what if i choose this route? or this one? or this one? the possibilities are endless, but, in the end, what i’ve realized, is that the choices are not my own. my life should not be in my own hands; i should not be playing God; i cannot play God; and, at the very end of it, i had to address the possibility that i was trying to be Him in that i was trying to determine the course of my whole life. and i cannot do that.

i’m ending this school year trying to move forward from this phase, trying not to embrace everything, but rather to focus on the things that God has called me to set my eyes on. and, this summer, my priorities will be Him, my family, my church, and, at the tail end of all of that, my writing and all the things i want to create, and learning how to glorify Him through all of it.

it’s been a heck of a nine months. here’s to all the years to come.

xoxo, rachel

on grease, and dual narratives

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Transparency is something important, I think, and while nobody on the Internet could—or should—be completely transparent, I think it’s something we all need. A lil more transparency. Life’s too curated now; I kinda hate not knowing the actual truth about people. Are you actually doing well or is that healthy Bora-Bora glow just the C1 vsco filter? Even finstas are false narratives. 

hello friendz

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

hello, dear friendz:

listen to "first burn" while reading

Saturday, May 5, 2018


nothing like a nice sweeping wave of insecurity and frustration to knock you off your feet and slap you till you sense stuff you never realized you’d become desensitized to. 

long time no talk!

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Long time no talk.
I’m supposed to be writing the rough draft of an essay in Spanish, but I haven’t written for my personal blog in a hot minute, so I decided to forego that in favor of this. Because you know. (((Priorities.)))

how to lose yourself

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Call me foolish, but I tried to reinvent myself over spring break. Not a complete overhaul—there was no Mean Girls montage, just a little sprucing up. I tried to get lavender highlights and ended up with blond ones because the lavender washed out (I still like them though); I bought a pair of girlfriend jeans tight enough to be stylish, loose enough to be comfortable, and ripped enough for people to comment on; I tried lipstick for the first time this past week, and liked it. It was new, and different, and, quite frankly, kind of scary, but I think I know myself well enough at this point to be able to experiment with my exterior appearance and not feel the need to change anything about my personality. 


Saturday, March 31, 2018

This week I drove to LA three times, there and back, there and back, there and back again. Last night, after driving back for the third and last time, I fell on my bed and slept restlessly. I woke up still tired, but I forced myself to sit at this desk to write. I haven’t written in a long time.

alas, i wait for more | fyu #8

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Hello, hello, hello.

I’m currently typing in Adobe Garamond, which is the font Harry Potter was printed in and which is, subsequently, my favorite font. Therefore, I am happy. (You won't see the Adobe Garamond part when you're reading this, which is a pity, but oh well.)

My schoolmates and I are currently rounding out Week Ten, which, for the quarter system, means next week is finals week. This also means that we’re nearly done with winter quarter, and nearly two-thirds of the way through the year, which means that I’m nearly a fourth of the way through my college career. What?!

I’m trying not to think about it. There are a few things that I’ve recently realized that I dwell on too much; one of them, probably the most prominent, is my future. My future is of major concern for me, particularly because I still have no set goal for myself. Some people want to go into research or become doctors or become accountants and for them, their paths are practically planned out, mostly because they’ve been traveled before.

But mine? Mine is still uncertain. And for now, it’s merely a waiting game; I think all I can do, at this point, is explore my options, work hard, and trust that where I end up is where God wants me to be.

Playing the waiting game is also a harder game than I initially anticipated. I’ve never been a terribly patient person, but over the past couple of weeks, I’ve understood more and more how truly impatient I am. Waiting for emails, in particular, is particularly loathsome. I can’t imagine how the pioneers waited for letters in the olden times. And when the world went to war? Can’t imagine how the mothers must have felt, not knowing whether their sons lived or died, or whether they’d even hear about it.

This quarter has been less of a blaze of glory that fall quarter was. I’ve joined organizations and volunteered for events and gone out to eat chicken wings and pizza that cost $3.14. I’ve spent days holed up in my room, trying to lose myself in books and movies and TV shows. I’ve done a lot and I haven’t done much. I’ve eaten cheesecake. I bought an exercise app. I’ve tried and tried and given up and given up. And I’ve realized that I want to stop living for myself—want to stop thinking too much into the future—want to stop incubating in my own head—and to instead, just work hard, and chill. 

And also go to bed early, and eat less cheesecake. Sleep is important. Sugar, not so much. Have a good weekend. This post isn't edited.

Lots o’ love,

what i must | fyu #7

Monday, February 26, 2018

monday, 12:55pm
I feel like myself for the first time in two weeks.

i took a lot of L's this week haHA | fyu #6

Friday, February 16, 2018

Hi all,

This week I somehow forgot a lot of things. I forgot that in order to go to wake up in time for class, you have to go to sleep at least seven hours earlier. I forgot that if you want to get good grades in class, you have to, like, put in effort. And I forgot what it feels like to feel unmotivated.

week five | fyu #5

Sunday, February 11, 2018

God bless:

making gratefulness a habit | fyu #4

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Greetings from the outdoor seating area of Muir Woods Coffeehouse, otherwise affectionately known as M.O.M. (Middle Of Muir)! Since my classes are mostly in Muir College this quarter, I’ve found myself more frequently joining the legions of students who take advantage of its fluffy sofas, comfy wicker chairs, and productive coffee shop vibe. Yesterday I spent two hours holed up at one of the tables, banging out my Spanish homework while nursing one of their specialty drinks--a Polar Bear, which is a white mocha swirled with caramel and peanut butter. (Another thing: I’ve discovered that UCSD has at least six different coffee shops around campus. It’s dangerous.)

happiness is a lot like french toast | fye #3

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Happiness is a lot like eating French toast. I’ve had it three times in the past four weeks (no joke), and nothing beats the feeling of cutting into the soft, warm bread with my fork, watching the syrup ooze into the whipped mascarpone topping, knowing that in just a few seconds, I get to roll the sweetness around on my tongue.


Friday, January 19, 2018

As I write this, it is nearly sometime in the wee hours of Friday morning. I won’t have time later this weekend to write this, which is why I’m doing it now.


Saturday, January 13, 2018

Technically this isn’t Freshman Year Updates #1, because I’ve already gone through fall quarter (whoops), but over break I decided that, in order to make blogging a consistent weekly thing, and in order to be able to remember all the things that are happening, I’m going to do something similar to my Senior Year Updates posts of last school year. Except this is going to be weekly, not monthly. So yay! You get a play-by-play.

rachel on break [a winter pre-quarter update]

Saturday, January 6, 2018

a character arc of Rachel On Break:
glowy, on-paper-productive phase (usually the first three days): rachel is super motivated and pumped to Get Things Done. she writes out to-do lists for herself, even though she literally has nothing to do. she goes to the library and checks out 210293 books. she goes to bed on time. she tries to write. she makes a video using final cut pro x for the first time, and it turns out pretty cool, even if it did take five hours to edit. she hangs out with lots of people. she even wakes up at six-thirty a.m. to visit her old high school. visiting kind of brings back bad vibes, but, like, oh well!

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