how to lose yourself

Thursday, April 12, 2018




Call me foolish, but I tried to reinvent myself over spring break. Not a complete overhaul—there was no Mean Girls montage, just a little sprucing up. I tried to get lavender highlights and ended up with blond ones because the lavender washed out (I still like them though); I bought a pair of girlfriend jeans tight enough to be stylish, loose enough to be comfortable, and ripped enough for people to comment on; I tried lipstick for the first time this past week, and liked it. It was new, and different, and, quite frankly, kind of scary, but I think I know myself well enough at this point to be able to experiment with my exterior appearance and not feel the need to change anything about my personality. 

dearspring!

Saturday, March 31, 2018



This week I drove to LA three times, there and back, there and back, there and back again. Last night, after driving back for the third and last time, I fell on my bed and slept restlessly. I woke up still tired, but I forced myself to sit at this desk to write. I haven’t written in a long time.

alas, i wait for more | fyu #8

Thursday, March 15, 2018


Hello, hello, hello.

I’m currently typing in Adobe Garamond, which is the font Harry Potter was printed in and which is, subsequently, my favorite font. Therefore, I am happy. (You won't see the Adobe Garamond part when you're reading this, which is a pity, but oh well.)

My schoolmates and I are currently rounding out Week Ten, which, for the quarter system, means next week is finals week. This also means that we’re nearly done with winter quarter, and nearly two-thirds of the way through the year, which means that I’m nearly a fourth of the way through my college career. What?!

I’m trying not to think about it. There are a few things that I’ve recently realized that I dwell on too much; one of them, probably the most prominent, is my future. My future is of major concern for me, particularly because I still have no set goal for myself. Some people want to go into research or become doctors or become accountants and for them, their paths are practically planned out, mostly because they’ve been traveled before.

But mine? Mine is still uncertain. And for now, it’s merely a waiting game; I think all I can do, at this point, is explore my options, work hard, and trust that where I end up is where God wants me to be.

Playing the waiting game is also a harder game than I initially anticipated. I’ve never been a terribly patient person, but over the past couple of weeks, I’ve understood more and more how truly impatient I am. Waiting for emails, in particular, is particularly loathsome. I can’t imagine how the pioneers waited for letters in the olden times. And when the world went to war? Can’t imagine how the mothers must have felt, not knowing whether their sons lived or died, or whether they’d even hear about it.

This quarter has been less of a blaze of glory that fall quarter was. I’ve joined organizations and volunteered for events and gone out to eat chicken wings and pizza that cost $3.14. I’ve spent days holed up in my room, trying to lose myself in books and movies and TV shows. I’ve done a lot and I haven’t done much. I’ve eaten cheesecake. I bought an exercise app. I’ve tried and tried and given up and given up. And I’ve realized that I want to stop living for myself—want to stop thinking too much into the future—want to stop incubating in my own head—and to instead, just work hard, and chill. 

And also go to bed early, and eat less cheesecake. Sleep is important. Sugar, not so much. Have a good weekend. This post isn't edited.

Lots o’ love,
Rachel

what i must | fyu #7

Monday, February 26, 2018


monday, 12:55pm
I feel like myself for the first time in two weeks.

i took a lot of L's this week haHA | fyu #6

Friday, February 16, 2018


Hi all,


This week I somehow forgot a lot of things. I forgot that in order to go to wake up in time for class, you have to go to sleep at least seven hours earlier. I forgot that if you want to get good grades in class, you have to, like, put in effort. And I forgot what it feels like to feel unmotivated.

week five | fyu #5

Sunday, February 11, 2018


God bless:

making gratefulness a habit | fyu #4

Thursday, February 1, 2018


Greetings from the outdoor seating area of Muir Woods Coffeehouse, otherwise affectionately known as M.O.M. (Middle Of Muir)! Since my classes are mostly in Muir College this quarter, I’ve found myself more frequently joining the legions of students who take advantage of its fluffy sofas, comfy wicker chairs, and productive coffee shop vibe. Yesterday I spent two hours holed up at one of the tables, banging out my Spanish homework while nursing one of their specialty drinks--a Polar Bear, which is a white mocha swirled with caramel and peanut butter. (Another thing: I’ve discovered that UCSD has at least six different coffee shops around campus. It’s dangerous.)

happiness is a lot like french toast | fye #3

Saturday, January 27, 2018


Happiness is a lot like eating French toast. I’ve had it three times in the past four weeks (no joke), and nothing beats the feeling of cutting into the soft, warm bread with my fork, watching the syrup ooze into the whipped mascarpone topping, knowing that in just a few seconds, I get to roll the sweetness around on my tongue.

FRESHMAN YEAR UPDATES #2

Friday, January 19, 2018


As I write this, it is nearly sometime in the wee hours of Friday morning. I won’t have time later this weekend to write this, which is why I’m doing it now.

FRESHMAN YEAR UPDATES #1

Saturday, January 13, 2018


Technically this isn’t Freshman Year Updates #1, because I’ve already gone through fall quarter (whoops), but over break I decided that, in order to make blogging a consistent weekly thing, and in order to be able to remember all the things that are happening, I’m going to do something similar to my Senior Year Updates posts of last school year. Except this is going to be weekly, not monthly. So yay! You get a play-by-play.

rachel on break [a winter pre-quarter update]

Saturday, January 6, 2018

a character arc of Rachel On Break:
glowy, on-paper-productive phase (usually the first three days): rachel is super motivated and pumped to Get Things Done. she writes out to-do lists for herself, even though she literally has nothing to do. she goes to the library and checks out 210293 books. she goes to bed on time. she tries to write. she makes a video using final cut pro x for the first time, and it turns out pretty cool, even if it did take five hours to edit. she hangs out with lots of people. she even wakes up at six-thirty a.m. to visit her old high school. visiting kind of brings back bad vibes, but, like, oh well!

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