Friday, December 1, 2017

I think I felt it when I stepped out of the family minivan and rolled my carryon bag down the bumpy concrete path to the res halls. For one thing, the air was colder; after spending four days in inland OC, the nippy San Diego temperatures made me more aware of the differences between home and school. For another, the campus was still pretty empty: as I trekked down the path alone, something clattered hollowly around the area bridging my heart and my stomach.

As the gloom and cold continued through the week, the more I could feel the change. Call it week nine blues, call it winter lethargy, call it vague depression--things are just different somehow.

I think we’re all a little more world-weary. We’ve got about two more weeks to pound out--week ten and then finals week--so we’re trying not to get lost in the flurry of essay turn-ins, group projects, and three-hour exams. I spent nearly the entirety of Wednesday alone by choice, but as I sat in our building study room, picking at my salad and watching Forbes Top 30 videos of uber-successful people, I couldn’t help but notice how much more tired I was.

But I wasn't tired in a physical sense; I was tired of feeling a sense of loss, because now that we’re almost at the end of fall quarter, the novelty of college has almost worn off its top layer of sheen, and the routines that once seemed exciting purely for their newness are starting to resemble scars now, not grooves. I still find joy in my Google Calendar and daily to-do list, but now I think that they’re more normal--and normal isn’t bad, just boring.

Maybe the changing is the feeling of our lives settling, and the settling is unsettling because we’re so used to constantly being unsettled that the fact that we’re settling surprises us and weighs down on us more, like the permanence of this establishment is finally starting to hit us. We’re here, most of us for four years, some for less, some for more. It’s not summer camp; it’s not ten weeks; it’s four years. It’s a good thing, not a bad thing, but a new thing that’s slowly starting to become a not-new thing, and that transition is something that maybe I haven’t fully comprehended until now.

Or, you know, this post could be Example A in an exhibit of me displaying my prowess at overthinking. Who knows?

But does the fact that I’m probably overthinking even really matter?


  1. I'm always disappointed when I get or learn something new, but then over time it loses it's sparkle and you except it as routine. Like learning to drive. But the best part about this girl (one, is that I feel you), but two, God will always bring more things into your life that will make you excited and anticipating. He's never going to leave you there with all of your boring stuff. And when you get super good at the place you're in now, you'll be able to juggle more things when back when you started you couldn't! <3

  2. Loving your blog and I'm obsessed with your writing! :)

  3. DANG I love your posts so much like they get better every time I come back ??? I rly appreciate this. Even if it is overthinking it's so insightful I feel like it doesn't matter ??? I think when I get caught up in the busyness I tend to want to just do and not think deeply about anything, because I don't want the repercussions of that. But.. yeah this was good. Thank u for sharing.

  4. Your writing is so good. It might sound weird because this post has a melancholic tone, but it makes me miss my college days. I was forced to drop out last year and now I miss the routines and pressure. My life feels a bit empty without the promise of a better future in exchange for hard work and boredom.

    x Envy
    Lost in Translation

  5. This is so accurate and I was just talking about it yesterday. I'm finishing up my first semester <3 thanks for articulating this.

  6. Your posts are always so deep and insightful. They make me want to look at life more deeply. Praying for you, friend.


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