FLUSTERED & IN FLUX

Thursday, November 23, 2017


As I write this, I’m sitting on a futan in a room that was mine two months ago but isn’t now. My old bedroom desk, formerly laden with papers and strewn with pens and markers and pencils, is now bare (and clean), supporting only a sewing machine and a pencil cup.


I need to do homework, but first I thought I’d write down some of my thoughts, because their sheer mass has been positively torrential since I arrived home yesterday evening. I think the best way I can describe my current state of mind and emotions is flustered and in flux.

I’m flustered because all is as it was, yet all is not as it was. My bedroom, minus the few minor details, is the same. It’s shaped the same. My house is here. My family still goes about their daily lives; I’m just not here, and it’s weird. It’s the same, but it’s different; maybe I’m the different one? But I’m not used to being the different one, which is why I can feel the inconsistencies all the more keenly. I’m flustered because I still fit here; I can recall the feeling of sleeping in my bedroom, can recall my family’s daily routine of turning on the house fan when it’s too hot, closing all the windows when it’s too cold, ripping napkins in half to set the table for dinner, making a semi-smooth left turn at the end of my street, and coasting up and down the boulevard in my car with the music turned all the way up.

But now those sensations are unfamiliar in their familiarity, maybe because I’ve created new routines for myself at school. I know my family’s routine, but they don’t know mine; they don’t know the feeling of hiking up the nearly vertical dirt slope to get to Foodworx, climbing a stool every night to get into bed, sitting in semi-darkness to write five hundred words of my book even when my eyelids are drooping and it’s three a.m. The routines I had at home have been replaced by the ones I’ve created for myself at school and, what’s more, the routines I have at school are all my own, completely uninfluenced by the schedule and motions of my family. My life is more so mine than it was two months ago, though it’s not entirely my own.

I’m in flux because I feel, to quote a phrase I’ve seen in several books, “neither here nor there.” Sometimes I call my res hall home, but more often I call my family’s home home, but now that I’m home I realized that I’ve just spent two months away from it--so am I really home, or visiting what used to be my home? Do I belong more here than there? In a sense, I feel like I’m coming home from a vacation, but school’s not a vacation, and as time progresses and I spend more and more time at school, it’ll become more and more my life than my life here. I think I still belong here at home more, but I also think that’ll change.

Some people have to leave everything they know all at once. I have the privilege of doing that in increments, but even so, the feeling of growing up is just...really weird.

It’s really weird.

But I’m glad I’m home.

4 comments

  1. I've been away from home for 7 weeks this year and 5 months another time and IT WAS WEIRD. Words and emails and calls can't really describe what you day to day life is actually like, even though I understand my home life very well. And then I wonder: do I actually know other people's daily routines? Can I understand them as well as I think I can? Maybe my brother going to school and doing his thing was totally different from how I approached going to school and doing my thing. I CAN"T EVER KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE EVEN THE MOST AWESOME ONES AND THIS IS SAD.

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  2. Though, I would like to, I haven't stayed away from home for such a long time. I'm also kinda scared if I'll have to share with others in the future.

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  3. This makes total sense, just so you know girl. xD I don't think there's a way around those feelings and questions. But did God give you a car? He lets you drive in it to college and back. Did God give you a brain? To become more intelligent and use for His good. Did God give you a family? YES. So that even in these strange times of questioning your state of mind, that family will always be beside you whether they're a couple miles away, or 20,000 miles away because family IS home, not the objects that come with it. <3 <3 <3 <3

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  4. This makes total sense. I'm sure it has to be a really weird feeling. I love how eloquently you expressed it all.

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