Sunday, October 29, 2017

[written on Saturday night]
It’s Halloweekend, which means the past few nights in my suite have been a flurry of costumes and loud voices, bright colors and door slams at three in the morning. I don’t begrudge the partiers their fun; neither do I envy them. I’m a girl content to be the only one in the study room on a Saturday night, surrounded by books and papers and washable markers. Tomorrow is Sunday, and Sunday means church, and church means that I need to go to bed soon-ish tonight.

Today marks the tail end of Week 4, which means I’m about halfway through my first quarter of college. It hasn’t been terribly hard, but it hasn’t been terribly easy, either. I shed a few tears this past week, and have a lot of work to do over the next few weeks if I want to keep up with school, but overall it’s been fun adjusting to life as someone who’s (kind of) independent. Tasks this week have included cleaning my fridge, writing papers at three in the morning, watching the second season of Stranger Things, filming videos, editing videos, uploading videos, baking cookies, ditching my radio station internship, showing my family around UCSD, working on my Cath in College internship, hanging out with people, trying to write my book, and feeling like a failure. The deeper I dive into this college lifestyle, the harder I realize it is to maintain, and finding a balance is something I’m constantly striving to do.

A good thing, though, is that I’m doing things that I’m passionate about. While I wouldn’t say that writing papers at three in the morning is the stuff of my dreams, there was a certain romantic quality to doing so that made it non-loathsome and perhaps, in a sense, pleasant. Stressful, but pleasant. There’s also a simple, content feeling to being alone in the study room at ten p.m., something that goes along the lines of, it’s just me, it’s just me, I’m doing what I love, it’s just me. Weekends are my time to recharge, recover, and revive; take away all the activity and the bustle, and you’ll just find the girl.

I go home for the first time during Thanksgiving break; we have two days off, so I’ll spend four days at home with my family. I’m not homesick, but as time drags on, I can’t help but think about how good it’ll feel to take off my shoes and lie down on the nice clean carpet in my house, to just go to the fridge and eat whatever I want, to drive past the familiar landmarks I once scorned. San Diego feels like a different world; I don’t exactly feel different when I’m in it, per se, but they’re split worlds, here and there, and while that’s romantic, too, I sometimes want my life to be whole--not here and there, but HERE or THERE.

And it won’t be for a bit, until I settle down, but the state of being unsettled is exciting and delightful and exhausting. Here is San Diego; now is Halloweekend; what will be is unknown, but the underlying constant will be me.


  1. College is definitely a balancing act! I remember those days of being in my dorm room with people laughing outside the hall and the late study nights, and the bittersweet feeling of being in a new place and loving it but also missing home. It's beautiful, it's hard, but so good. Love the way you write, this sentence especially: "Take away all the activity and the bustle, and you’ll just find the girl." <3 Happy almost Halloween!

  2. Sooo coool!
    Well, I suppose I shouldn't be saying something like that, but I love hearing all about your life!! (Does that sound creepy?) I've always been ecstatic about college, so I can't wait! (I'm sure I'm I'm fantasizing it in my mind, but oh well.)

    1. It's a lot of fun! :) And that's not creepy at all--I felt the same way when I was in high school.

  3. I love reading your thought processes so much. <3


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