Wednesday, May 4, 2016

*insert typical picmonkey artwork made when rachel was supposed to be studying*

my life doesn't match.

sometimes i feel like upper case letters; other times, i feel like lower case letters. sometimes i see people who are perfectly consistent with everything that they do and make, and then i look myself straight in the eye (if you're wondering how that's possible, walk over to the nearest mirror) and tell myself, you need to pick, choose, and curate.

it bothers me that i don't match. it bothers me that i can't decide which style of music i like best: i like the happy feelings that pop gives me, but edm makes me want to bounce up and down on a trampoline with strobe lights embedded in the bottom, but rock makes me feel super cool and underground-swag-esque, but hip-hop makes me feel like i'm part of the legithood (yes, that's a word) crowd. alternative is just plain weird. i'm not a huge fan of alternative music in general, but sometimes i listen to it because it seems like that's all people listen to nowadays.

i'm not okay because i changed and now i don't know who i am, so now i need to get to know myself again. i'm not okay because my feelings are suddenly different. 

i am not okay.

i am not okay.

i am not okay.

i have a head full of ideas, and the drive to make them a reality, but sometimes i feel alone, inadequate, incapable, and unworthy. when i take on projects, i'm wont to do them by myself, simply because i've learned that the people i meet and share my ideas with aren't as passionate or available as i am, even if they do have good intentions.

and it hurts.

but chicago is where i realized that i wasn't okay. it was where i stayed up until 2 a.m. doing an apush review sheet in the hotel bathroom, where I passed the time by recording videos that i didn't want to edit and trying to listen to music but not really listening to it and trying to spend time with my family but not really being present with them. 

with that being said, i have made resolutions.

1. share more of myself on this blog, because i feel like thus far, silver mess has been devoid of the personality that people seem to like,

2. consciously attempt to get better at what i do,

3. be okay with the ambiguity of "what i do,"

4. inspire people through what i create, because i've only just realized that people are inspired most by other people's works of art, not by pep talks or worksheets.

thank you, and now i must go back to studying for my ap tests. 

p.s. if you haven't already, please take my survey! i've already gotten a lot of feedback (thank you so much for that), but i want to hear more of your thoughts!

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