Sunday, March 13, 2016

It’s four days that I’ve last been gone, which I’ll admit is far too long. But I do have an excuse, of which I will refuse to share the details, because of all that that entails--you’ll be stuck here listening to me gut the entrails of the messy things of life that I’ve had to encounter.

But the gist of the story is that I’ve had to flounder around in this stinky pool of unforeseen circumstance, attending a dance with chance called college expectations and personal life frustrations. Who am I? What do I do? For whom do I live? Life isn’t a cruise; rather, it’s a series of weeks in which a bleary-eyed version of me is forced to bend on her knees and acknowledge that her life is governed by her God’s decrees.
My life isn’t miserable, not by a long shot; I’ve just been discontent with who I am and what I want, who I want to be and what I’m not. It’s my version of First World Problems: what do I do with my life? How do I work past the problems, which seem rife with my own narcissism, paired with an apple rotten with my own selfishness? I have the entire world at my feet--a roof over my head, food to eat, parents who love, hope from above--but I still dream of a different life ridden with discontentment, in which I depend on independence and pay my own rent.
As I’ve been working through my math homework, I’ve been thinking up places to visit and people to meet. As I’ve been thinking about creativity, what if I want to help people on the street? If I want to become the president, who will I have to be?
But my life does not depend on me.
No matter what I do, I will always be free.
I thank God for His grace, and for the gift of creative release.

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