Sunday, February 14, 2016

this will be a lowercase post, just because i’m feeling like it and i’ve learned that you guys all like artsy. so this is artsy me.

i’ve hit a rough patch lately, mostly in my mental game. outwardly, everything’s okay. i have a house. i have a family. i’m still in the swing of things when it comes to school. stuff is already lining up for senior year that i’m really excited about. and scared for. but mostly excited about.
but in terms of everything else, i feel insecure.

i have a public instagram (@silvermess), and a private instagram account (@rrachelalisonn). i have people who are friends follow me on my private account. i have people who are friendly acquaintances follow me on it. i have people i’m not sure i even really like follow me on it. i follow them back.

it seems to me that i’m a cardboard cutout on that account, a fake for the person that i think i am. i post once every two/three/four days (everyone else posts once a week, if that). it makes me feel like i have no life, that i crave the likes, which i don’t. i don’t keep track of all my likes. but i feel like every picture i post, people either shake their heads (“wow, who’s she trying to be?”) or they think i post too much OR they think i’m weird. and i do feel weird sometimes, because i have a blog + a youtube channel + i like to write + do weird things + think through weird things + think deeply + share those thoughts. i’m a private person but in a sense i’m not really that private either...i’ve posted personal stuff online.

and i guess i’m not sure if who i think i am actually translates to who i actually am. i get decent grades, so that’s a physical manifestation of a part of me that likes to think i’m a thinker, but am i really a good writer? am i really an artist? am i really a creative? do i really have what it takes to be who i want to be + create things that are actually GOOD? or will this blog/project be one of those things that gets stored away for future nostalgia and memories, something that i’ll look back on and laugh at?

i guess it shouldn’t bother me if it does, because this is my passion + i truly enjoy doing this. but sometimes i feel like a faker. like everyone else secretly thinks that i’m not good at this + i’m the only one who thinks i'm good at it.

i’m scared of loving to do something that i’m bad at. i want to get good at this. but more than being scared of being bad at something, i’m scared of deluding myself into thinking i’m good at it when i’m really not. + i’m scared that other people will see the truth before i see it myself.

do YOU have insecurities? do you share some of mine?

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