101 Ways You SHOULDN'T Deal w/ Annoying People

Monday, February 22, 2016

I decided to give lists another shot after the positive reception to my 101 Ways to Fail a Driving Test post! (Hit the link if you haven’t already read it.) I’ve had to deal with any number of annoying people in my life, so this is just a way to spell out what you should not do to them (no matter how much you want to).

Don’t do these things, man.

  1. Throw pies in their faces.
  2. Throw ice cream in their faces.
  3. Throw cake in their faces.
  4. Throw any form of excess food on their faces.
  5. Clog up their toilets (on purpose).
  6. Heat up your leftovers in a metal bowl in their microwave.
  7. Spam their Instagram comments section.
  8. Spam their Twitter comments section.
  9. Spam their phones w/ texts.
  10. Spam their Goodreads comments section.
  11. Spam their e-mails.
  12. Give them gum that tastes like dirt.
  13. Give them gum that tastes like asparagus.
  14. Give them gum that tastes like blood.
  15. Steal/hide their phone chargers.
  16. Steal/hide their laptop chargers.
  17. Steal/hide their security blankets.
  18. Frame them for bank robberies.
  19. Give them an explosive cake.
  20. Give them a jug of vinegar and tell them it’s apple juice.
  21. Spill flour or powdered sugar in their kitchen.
  22. Wash and dry their dark laundry with their light laundry.
  23. Sing Taylor Swift songs 24/7.
  24. Delete their Tori Kelly songs off their phones.
  25. Make their phone wallpapers a picture of the inside of your nose.
  26. Sing “Happy Birthday” to them in a public place (when it’s not their birthday).
  27. Sing “Old McDonald” to them in a public place (when they’re not farmers).
  28. Hide their cats under piles of coats.
  29. Replace their shampoo with hair dye.
  30. Put cups of water all over their bedroom floors.
  31. Reenact Comedy Central and roast them with your friends.
  32. Follow them around with a phone and record them constantly.
  33. Say “hey, want a mint?” every four point seven two three seconds.
  34. Set them up on blind dates with frogs.
  35. Rob their piggy banks.
  36. Sing Iggy Azalea 24/7.
  37. Give them empty boxes of candy hearts.
  38. Give them empty bags of chips.
  39. Give them empty presents for their birthdays.
  40. Tell them that their love lives stink.
  41. Send them pictures of bees and tell them to “buzz off.”
  42. Always ask to borrow money.
  43. Never give borrowed money back.
  44. Grease the metal prongs of their coat hangers so that their clothes will always slide off.
  45. Deface the posters that hang on their walls.
  46. Spray paint their bedroom walls.
  47. Volunteer them as tribute.
  48. Speak to them only in Spanish.
  49. Speak to them only in French.
  50. Speak to them only in German.
  51. Speak to them exclusively in languages they don’t understand.
  52. Always insist that they pay whenever you go out to eat.
  53. Buy them expensive presents (with their own credit card numbers).
  54. Steal their credit card numbers.
  55. Hack their Instagram accounts.
  56. Hack their Twitter accounts.
  57. Hack their Goodreads accounts.
  58. Give all the books they love 1 star once you’ve hacked their Goodreads accounts.
  59. Lock their phones.
  60. Write “[Insert your name] was here” on their knees without their permission.
  61. Punch their stomachs.
  62. Organize a party and don’t invite them (but make sure they know about it).
  63. Crash their parties (which you weren’t invited to).
  64. Tag them in random pictures or tweets.
  65. Make them into a viral meme (that makes fun of them).
  66. Give them journals with no pages in them.
  67. Pretend to be a police officer and give them speeding tickets.
  68. Invite them to parties (that don’t exist).
  69. Text them incessantly with cryptic Shakespeare quotes.
  70. Speak in a Valley girl accent around them.
  71. Give Shia Labeouf’s motivational speech every time you see them.
  72. Repeat everything they say.
  73. Challenge them to rap battles and don’t show up.
  74. Say “Expelliarmus!” every time you see them.
  75. Give them hugs that last 120395 seconds.
  76. Hang their underwear on clotheslines outside on rainy days.
  77. Spit in their drinks.
  78. Order 1029 pizzas and send them to their houses...with the bills.
  79. Smash their mother’s mother’s sister’s aunt’s niece’s daughter-in-law’s nephew’s great-great-great grandmother’s heirloom vase.
  80. Empty their bottles of cologne or perfume inside the toilets.
  81. Paint big red L’s on their front doors.
  82. Cut their hair in the middle of the night.
  83. Shave half of one of their legs at 2 in the morning.
  84. Sound airhorns in their ears.
  85. Try to sneak into their houses in the middle of the night.
  86. Send them packages of rocks and make them pay for postage.
  87. Decide you’re going to visit them and show up without letting them know.
  88. Sign them up for boot camp + don’t tell them.
  89. Pretend to ask them to school dances and say, “Just kidding!”
  90. Call them 10 times a day at two twenty-three in the morning.
  91. Buy them 1929 boxes of laxatives and ship them to their houses (and yes, make them pay for shipping).
  92. Impersonate them on their driving tests and fail the tests.
  93. Hack their Instagram accounts and spam their followers with pictures of their faces.
  94. Purposely get F’s on your tests and switch their tests with yours.
  95. Push them over when you go ice skating.
  96. Push them over when you go roller skating.
  97. Push them over when you go roller blading.
  98. Pretend to see someone famous every five seconds.
  99. Serve peanut butter sandwiches on peanut butter bread with peanut butter cake for lunch when they’re allergic to peanuts.
  100. Change their Instagram themes without asking for permission.
  101. Make them binge-watch all episodes of A.N.T. Farm with you.

What other ways should you NOT deal with annoying people?

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