Thursday, January 14, 2016

**Note: This post comes from a person with personal experience.**

1. Adopt a nest of skunks + house them in the car you take your test in 
("They looked like they needed a home")
2. Carry around a (full) Port-a-Potty in your trunk for a week before your test 
("My dad's a sanitation worker. It's in my blood")
3. Call the test instructor a scalawag and carpetbagger 
("I just learned about those terms in U.S. history. Do you know what they mean?")
4. Forget how to turn the car on 
("My mom always does that part")
5. Ask a bunch of aliens to abduct you while you're taking your test 
("I hope they don't have driving tests on Mars")
6. Ask a bunch of aliens to abduct your test instructor while you're taking a test 
("Shapeshifting ones, preferably, so they could pretend to be my instructor")
7. Crash into a cow + cause a stampede 
("I didn't know cows had friends!")
8. Eat an entire jar of Skippy peanut butter while driving 
("My doctor says I'm not getting enough protein")
9. Drive your car into the ocean 
("Maybe I should invest in an amphibious vehicle?")
10. Drive your car into a river 
("Should I turn on my windshield wipers?")
11. Drive your car into a lake 
("Now I don't need a car wash!")
12. Drive your car into a pond 
("Are the frogs okay?")
13. Drive your car into someone's backyard pool 
("Now it's nice and clean!")
14. Disregard your testing instructor's directions and drive to Disneyland to ride Autopia (the car-driving ride) 
("Can you grade me on this one?")
15. Run out of gas while on the road 
("Sorry, we forgot to take an Uber on our road trip to Vegas last weekend")
16. Hum "The Flight of the Bumblebee" a hundred times during the test 
("I've got a violin recital coming up")
17. Crash into a bush 
("It's too small; I didn't see it")
18. Crash into a tree 
("What's it doing there for?")
19. Crash into a whale 
("What's that doing out here?")
20. Crash into a house 
("At least the lawn still looks nice")
21. Crash into your test instructor's car 
("Oh, that's yours?")
22. Read a book while driving 
("I have to find out what happens to Katniss!")
23. Hit a person 
24. Hit a deer 
("Sorry, Bambi")
25. Hit an alien 
("It was in my way")
26. Hit a puppy 
("It was in my way")
27. Drive with the emergency brake on 
("Just in case")
28. Stop for Starbucks 
("Let me Instagram this first")
29. Tell them your entire life story 
("Now this is the story all about how my life got flip-turned upside down")
30. Ask them annoying questions 
("Have you ever petted a fish?")
31. Reenact "The Flight of the Bumblebee" 
("Bumblebees are mysterious creatures")
32. Reenact an action sequence from Fast and Furious 
("It looked cool!")
33. Reenact an action sequence from Fast and Furious 2 
("It looked cool!")
34. Reenact an action sequence from Fast and Furious 3 
("It looked cool!")
35. Reenact an action sequence from Fast and Furious 4 
("It looked cool!")
36. Reenact an action sequence from Fast and Furious 5 
("It looked cool!")
37. Reenact an action sequence from Fast and Furious 6 
("It looked cool!")
38. Reenact an action sequence from Fast and Furious 7 
("It looked cool!")
39. Light a candle while driving 
("Creates ambiance")
40. Honk the horn at every pedestrian, bird, and living thing 
("They're being annoying")
41. Drive with your head sticking out of the window and your tongue wagging out, like a dog's 
42. Try to whip and nae-nae while making an unprotected left turn 
("One cannot simply resist the urge")
43. Call your grandma while making a right turn 
("I call her every day at three-thirty")
44. Answer your grandma's phone call while making a right turn 
("Hi, Grandma, how are you?")
45. Snapchat your friends while making a left turn 
("Look, guys, I'm taking my test!")
46. Don't stop at the stop sign 
("It doesn't say Stop; it says S-T-O-P!")
47. Check to see if your Fantasy Football team is doing well 
("How about them Redskins, though?")
48. Play Tetris 
("I'm trying to beat my high score")
49. Say "Protego!" before every maneuver 
("Just trying to look out for the well-being of those around us")
50. Drive off a cliff 
("It was a little cliff")
51. Try to bake cookies inside the engine 
("I didn't have time to do it before we left")
52. Offer the cookies to them 
("Just trying to share the love")
53. Say, "First, let me take a selfie," before every lane change 
("But I'm in love with myself!")
54. Drive on the left side of the road 
("I've always wanted to be British!")
55. Try to bribe them with Starbucks 
("I'll get you a Venti!")
56. Tell them they don't know how to drive 
("I've been driving for six months! I already know everything there is to know!")
57. Drive barefoot 
("I'm a free spirit")
58. Sing "The Boys Are Back" way too loudly 
("I think I need a few spare parts for this old junk trap. Are you okay if I go to the junkyard?")
59. Go online shopping while going forty 
("Isn't this dress cute?")
60. Watch a YouTube video while going sixty 
("Ryan Higa is hilaaarrrrrious")
61. Rob a bank 
("Quick, take this black mask")
62. Practice your valedictorian speech 
("Of course, I'm not valedictorian yet, but I've got a pretty good GPA, so")
63. Stop at every green light, and go at every red 
("But red is my favorite color!")
64. Mix up the brake pedal with the gas 
("It's on my other right, right?")
65. Ask your testing instructor about his/her love life 
("Chocolate is the best way to go. Always.")
66. Show them your Instagram feed while you're at a stop sign 
("VSCO is bae")
67. Question their judgment 
("Are you sure that light was red?")
68. Adjust the rearview mirror so your instructor can do backwards traffic checks for you 
("I'm sure you have better eyes than mine")
69. Don't check your blind spots 
("What's the point of looking if I can't see?")
70. Spray the windshield with water periodically 
("I can see better if the cleanliness is on the inside")
71. Put in gas with the car still running 
72. Go 1 mph in a 60 mph zone 
("Just trying to be safe")
73. Go 2 mph in a 60 mph zone 
("Still trying to be safe")
74. Go 3 mph in a 60 mph zone 
("Have we hit anyone yet? I think not")
75. Go 100 mph in a 60 mph zone 
("NASCAR people do it!")
76. Study for a math test 
("It's on trigonometry! Have you heard of trigonometry?")
77. Honk the horn for as long as you can 
("I just wanted to see how long it would go!")
78. Wait forever at a stop sign to watch the cars passing by 
("Just wanted to be safe!")
79. Ask the instructor if a lane is clear 
("I'm trying to do my eyebrows at the moment")
80. Upload a YouTube video while you're driving into a parking lot 
("My subscribers are waiting for this!")
81. Threaten to fire them 
("You don't know what you're doing!")
82. Use the "you don't know what I've been through" card 
("My daddy almost didn't let me get a Mercedes because my grades were so bad!")
83. Try to take a selfie with them during a yellow light 
("Yellow is the best for my skin tone")
84. Try to play Apples to Apples with them 
("Which is more graceful, a dolphin or a ballerina?")
85. Call them a potato 
("You're more of a russet than a red one")
86. Ask if you're there yet 
("Are we there yet?")
87. Admit you forged your permit 
("My dad has a really good printer")
88. Try to make the car go into lightspeed 
("The Millennium Falcon could do it")
89. Blast the radio 
("I concentrate better with noise")

90. Almost hitting a pedestrian
91. Hitting a pedestrian
92. Hitting a curb
93. Jumping a curb
94. Running a red light
95. Running through a stop sign
96. Running into a stop sign
97. Making a right turn on a red light without stopping
98. Driving on the sidewalk
99. Turning from the middle lane
100. Making a turn into a lane that is NOT your designated lane (I DID THIS)
101. Almost hitting a car, and the instructor's intervention (I ALSO DID THIS)

moral of the story: always look both ways before you cross the street (this counts for cars as well), turn when it's clear, don't when it's not, red means stop, green means go, AND DON'T DO WHAT I DID.

what are some other funny ways you could fail your driver's test?

1 comment

  1. Oh my goodness! As someone who barely passed her driver's test (shame on you, parallel parking!), this is so relatable! Love the hilarity!


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