listen to "first burn" while reading

Saturday, May 5, 2018


oh:

nothing like a nice sweeping wave of insecurity and frustration to knock you off your feet and slap you till you sense stuff you never realized you’d become desensitized to. 

long time no talk!

Sunday, April 22, 2018


Long time no talk.
I’m supposed to be writing the rough draft of an essay in Spanish, but I haven’t written for my personal blog in a hot minute, so I decided to forego that in favor of this. Because you know. (((Priorities.)))

how to lose yourself

Thursday, April 12, 2018




Call me foolish, but I tried to reinvent myself over spring break. Not a complete overhaul—there was no Mean Girls montage, just a little sprucing up. I tried to get lavender highlights and ended up with blond ones because the lavender washed out (I still like them though); I bought a pair of girlfriend jeans tight enough to be stylish, loose enough to be comfortable, and ripped enough for people to comment on; I tried lipstick for the first time this past week, and liked it. It was new, and different, and, quite frankly, kind of scary, but I think I know myself well enough at this point to be able to experiment with my exterior appearance and not feel the need to change anything about my personality. 

dearspring!

Saturday, March 31, 2018



This week I drove to LA three times, there and back, there and back, there and back again. Last night, after driving back for the third and last time, I fell on my bed and slept restlessly. I woke up still tired, but I forced myself to sit at this desk to write. I haven’t written in a long time.

alas, i wait for more | fyu #8

Thursday, March 15, 2018


Hello, hello, hello.

I’m currently typing in Adobe Garamond, which is the font Harry Potter was printed in and which is, subsequently, my favorite font. Therefore, I am happy. (You won't see the Adobe Garamond part when you're reading this, which is a pity, but oh well.)

My schoolmates and I are currently rounding out Week Ten, which, for the quarter system, means next week is finals week. This also means that we’re nearly done with winter quarter, and nearly two-thirds of the way through the year, which means that I’m nearly a fourth of the way through my college career. What?!

I’m trying not to think about it. There are a few things that I’ve recently realized that I dwell on too much; one of them, probably the most prominent, is my future. My future is of major concern for me, particularly because I still have no set goal for myself. Some people want to go into research or become doctors or become accountants and for them, their paths are practically planned out, mostly because they’ve been traveled before.

But mine? Mine is still uncertain. And for now, it’s merely a waiting game; I think all I can do, at this point, is explore my options, work hard, and trust that where I end up is where God wants me to be.

Playing the waiting game is also a harder game than I initially anticipated. I’ve never been a terribly patient person, but over the past couple of weeks, I’ve understood more and more how truly impatient I am. Waiting for emails, in particular, is particularly loathsome. I can’t imagine how the pioneers waited for letters in the olden times. And when the world went to war? Can’t imagine how the mothers must have felt, not knowing whether their sons lived or died, or whether they’d even hear about it.

This quarter has been less of a blaze of glory that fall quarter was. I’ve joined organizations and volunteered for events and gone out to eat chicken wings and pizza that cost $3.14. I’ve spent days holed up in my room, trying to lose myself in books and movies and TV shows. I’ve done a lot and I haven’t done much. I’ve eaten cheesecake. I bought an exercise app. I’ve tried and tried and given up and given up. And I’ve realized that I want to stop living for myself—want to stop thinking too much into the future—want to stop incubating in my own head—and to instead, just work hard, and chill. 

And also go to bed early, and eat less cheesecake. Sleep is important. Sugar, not so much. Have a good weekend. This post isn't edited.

Lots o’ love,
Rachel

what i must | fyu #7

Monday, February 26, 2018


monday, 12:55pm
I feel like myself for the first time in two weeks.

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